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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074867">I Only Shine for You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiscuitKitty/pseuds/BiscuitKitty'>BiscuitKitty</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:07:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,430</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074867</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiscuitKitty/pseuds/BiscuitKitty</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An incident on a mission leaves two operators with new feelings and thoughts, and no idea how to understand them or express them.</p><p> **Hey guys, I'm still here, work has been heavy so I haven't had the time to finish up. It'll be done soon! Thanks for sticking around.**</p><p>Chapters are set and finalized! Almost completed!<br/>EDIT: Hey y'all, I will mark purely explicit spicy chapters with SPICY CHAPTER if you're just here for... you know, the spicy stuff, which I totally get. Happy reading<br/>Cooler Edit: A super sweet thanks to kiki_92 and AlphaTango who are awesome people and have made putting my first fanfic up easy and given me the confidence I needed to keep it up. You guys are my bros</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maxim "Kapkan" Basuda/Timur "Glaz" Glazkov, Shuhrat "Fuze" Kessikbayev/Julien "Rook" Nizan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>          The moon hung high in the sky on a cold September night, pale light casting down on the convoy trudging through the mud and snowy mush. Faint footprints tracked their path from the near frozen shores on the coast of a large unnamed rocky island. Ahead of their small group a couple miles inland, A remote mansion stood tall and foreboding in the washed tones of the clouded dark sky. In that mansion was the purpose of the team's mission: A shipment of contraband guarded by a small organized army of radical terrorists. Airborne intelligence operators caught on to a encrypted message of the shipment's location and sent out operators of Team Rainbow to take out the guards and seize control of the shipment.</p><p>Rook situated the case containing his armor plates, pushing it's strap further up his shoulder.He looked to his side at Doc, who even through his balaclava and the low light, he could see the fatigue emanating from his figure. It was normal to be called out at the crack of dawn for a mission, but not everyone was able to jump up and be ready instantly as someone like Jager, who happened to be walking with purpose to his opposite side. He had his visor up to see better in the dark, and gave Rook a happy glance and a small thumbs up. behind them three, Kapkan and Fuze shuffled silently. Kapkan was silent, face set directly ahead and hidden behind the shadow of his viper hood. Rook didnt talk to him very often, but outside of missions and training he had a warm smile and a hearty laugh, even more so if Glaz was around to rile him up. </p><p>Fuze was also silent as he pressed on through the muddy snow. His helmet and the reflective material of his goggles always gave Rook an uncomfortable feeling, as if he could be staring at Rook and the man wouldn't even know it. And the man was just as mysterious as his outer demeanor let on. No one, not even Six, knew much about his personal or past life. He didn't spend much time around the public areas of the base, unless it was for a meal or training. And since the GIGN living quarters were on the opposite side of the base from the Spetsnaz, The most Rook ever saw of him was when they were geared up for something, and he already had his helmet on. Not that he didn't know what Fuze looked like, but at times it felt like it was hard to remember.</p><p>Rook quickly looked back ahead after checking on the Russians behind them, but the thoughts of Fuze always lingered. The Frenchman's curiosity always got the better of him, leading his imagination onto ideas of what the mysterious operator was like in his down time. Did he have any hobbies? Did he paint like Glaz? Or is perhaps into sports like Castle? Maybe he had a whole bookshelf he read through every month like Jager has. Rook smiled slightly at the thought of the books being about nature or military regimes, or even more entertaining, fantasy novels.<br/>
Doc's voice interrupted his thoughts as he stopped them outside a degraded wall separating the rocky coastline from the long unkempt yard that surrounded the building. Large trees and bushes grew wild and uncut, shielding anyone from view of the black broken windows of the dilapidated building not too far ahead. Rook set his armor case down for them to grab.</p><p>"Intel received has the objective on the second floor guest bedroom," Doc began, ushering the others to close in to listen. "There are an estimated 20 guards on site, be mindful of any walking the perimeter. We've been provided with enough smokes to cover any tracks," The medic pointed at Kapkan and Fuze, who upon getting the attention focused on Doc extra carefully. "You two will cover entrances on the Southern and Western sides, make sure anyone outside is taken care of. Jager," He turned to the German, who was preparing a small drone for sending inside. "You will keep us updated on anyone in the bedroom and anyone in the outer rooms. We'll call you if we need your help inside. Rook and I will head in through an entrance in the kitchen on the Northern side, and will meet up with you two upstairs. Does everyone understand?"<br/>
The four ops nodded, Fuze and Kapkan immediately disappearing through a caved section of the stone wall into the dense undergrowth of the gardens. Jager immediately slunk down into the bushes, having a decently clear view of the building, and sent his drone in. Rook twisted the silencer he brought onto his gun as Doc did, and they quickly slunk around the Eastern wall towards the small screen door that was their entrance in. <br/>
The outside of the mansion appeared as if it was crumbling away, the wood half rotted and the paint peeling and curling from the surface. The small stairs leading to the kitchen door were barely standing, and Rook was surprised to see them able to take his and Doc's weight, albeit without the threatening creaking. Inside the kitchen, it was dark and damp. The wooden cupboards were barely recognizable, the beautiful carvings and brass handles worn off and the wood wasting away to the frigid air. The furniture was long gone, and the tiled floors were covered with a thick layer of dust, dirt, and grime. The operators held their weapons up as they made their way towards the archway that lead out into a thin hallway. Up ahead, the front door loomed, a heavy and thick wooden slab that still stood strongly. Two more archways lead into adjacent rooms next to the front entrance, and next to them, a large staircase loomed upwards into the darkness of the house.<br/>
Doc raised his hand to stop them as a thud could be heard from one of the front rooms. Rook's radio piece picked up a second later with Jager's voice.<br/>
"Kapkan took out a couple on the deck outside the living room area. Two targets are on their way down the stairs right now."<br/>
Rook tightened his grip on his weapon as the telltale footsteps were heard above their heads, heading down the stairs quickly. Doc turned back and gave a quick nod to Rook, to which he nodded in return, a silent 'I'm with you'. The two operators dashed forward, catching the guards by surprise and releasing several bullets into their chests. They slumped down the remaining steps, and the two operators rushing over them towards the second floor. The hallway upstairs was empty but harsh talking could be heard in the closed off rooms around them, a sound that meant the enemy knew they were there.<br/>
"Matriyoshka going live in master bedroom," Rook heard over his earpiece, a voice that is as rare as it was beautiful. Fuze's charge was heard going off and the bedroom door swung open as the guards attempted to escape the explosive cluster grenades. Doc and Rook opened fire on them and ran to the doorway to check the room out. The sign of the cluster charge's needle was on the wall from the bathroom, but as Rook checked it, nobody was there.<br/>
"Fuze is heading around the North wall to the guest bedroom, I-" Kapkan's voice came in through Rook's ear piece, but was cut off abruptly, followed by the sound of struggling from below them. Doc turned to Rook quickly.<br/>
"I'm going to help Kapkan, find Fuze and clear the last bedrooms. There shouldn't be more than 8 targets left." He spoke quickly, his accent thick. He dashed around the railing of the staircase and slipped into the dark. Rook raised his weapon once more and turned the corner around the wall to where a bathroom and the guest bedroom sat. He decided to make sure the bathroom was clear, and see if there was a second doorway leading into the bedroom they could use as a pinch.<br/>
As he went to grab the handle, the door swung open to his surprise, causing him to gasp and raise his gun. Fuze went to grab his own weapon from his holster, equally surprised, but both relaxed at the realization.<br/>
"Sorry, didn't know it was occupied" Rook joked, letting out a strained laugh as well as some held in air. Fuze stared, expressionless, before speaking.<br/>
"I was going to set one off but I heard the sound of set C4's. I don't want to cause this whole building to crumble if they actually have them set up to hide or destroy any evidence." He spoke quietly, his voice raspy and deep. He raised his hand to the ear piece wire resting on his shoulder strap. "Jager, can you get an eye on the explosives in the room?"<br/>
Rook heard the whirring of Jager's drone in the dust of the hallway, and caught a glimpse of its small LEDs as it whisked under the door of the bedroom.<br/>
"I'm not positive," The pilot began, "But it looks like they have several set on what could be the beams supporting the walls near the bedroom door. If they activate, the whole building could go down."<br/>
Rook looked back at Fuze, who lowered his hand again.<br/>
"Worse than I thought." He muttered, then Jager's voice picked back up.<br/>
"If you place your cluster charger into the door from the bathroom you're nearby, you should be able to cover the area where they are sitting and avoid the structural beams. You might even be able to drive them out the other door."<br/>
Rook looked into Fuze's goggles, despite knowing they won't reveal what the Uzbek is thinking about.<br/>
"Right. Let's test it out then." He said, to which the silent man nodded. They snuck up to the door, Rook leaning close against the sink as he watched Fuze plant his device into the wood. Just as he triggered the device to activate, Doc's voice cut into Rook's ear, loud and fearful.<br/>
"Do not set off the charge! There is an explosive set in the basement boiler room! Evacuate immediately!" Fuze shot his head around to Rook, who's own eyes were wide with alarm. The grenades clacked into the room, and the enemy could be heard yelling through the explosions.<br/>
Suddenly, the whole house shook with the boom of a large explosion below them. Fuze busted through the door in the room, gun drawn and downing the last living enemies as well as shooting the live C4's. Rook rushed in behind him and grabbed the large briefcase quickly. A second explosion sounded from below, fire licking up the walls, and the whole house seemed to shift.<br/>
"Fuze we have to go!" He yelled over the noise, attempting to keep his balance on the moving floor. Fuze swung open the bedroom door and they sprinted out into the blackening hallway and around the corner. Fuze skidded to a halt with a hiss.<br/>
"The stairs are gone!" He yelled, whipping his head around for another exit through the smoke. Just as Rook looked for a nearby window, a third explosion shot through the space where the stairs were, sending wood and stone shrapnel everywhere and the two operators to the ground with a yelp.<br/>
"Fuze! Rook!" Jager shrieked over the comms, "Where are you!? The roof is caving in! The rescue helis are here for us we need to go!"<br/>
Rook's head spun as he pushed himself off of the ground. The briefcase had been thrown from his hand by the force of the explosion, and from what it looks like, out the window behind him. His darting eyes caught the shape of Fuze beneath a couple beams, unmoving. With the blood roaring in his ears, he rushed over and pushed the debris off. Blood stained the clothing around his lower waist, but with the flames billowing up quickly from the staircase, he didn't have time to assess any wounds.<br/>
"Jager!" He called into his piece."Fuze is injured, do you see any signs of an escape route from the second floor? We're trapped!"<br/>
As he finished his sentence, the walls of the master bedroom gave away, revealing the frigid outside air and the dark sky. A bright light shone in as the noise of chopper blades became apparent, and the heli lowered into sight. Jager sat in the pilot seat, ushering with his hand. Rook looked back down at the unmoving body of Fuze, and with all his strength, wrapped his arms under his shoulder's and dragged him across the wooden floor. Flames swallowed the building behind him as he rushed towards Jager's heli, wishing as hard as he could that they had enough time to get in before they were taken down with the foundation. Rook ran around Fuze and picked him up from the front, audibly willing the large man to keep going, to not give up. Just as he dragged the man's legs in, the rest of the roof crumbled down in a large cloud of dust, and Jager angled the machine away from the flying rubble and set out off the island. Rook turned quickly to the pilot to ask about the shipment.<br/>
"Kapkan picked it up as they ran out of the building, don't worry, we have it." He responded curtly, stress in his voice as he caught eye of Fuze. Rook didn't stop worrying though. The man beneath him was breathing shallowly, leaned up against the back wall of the passenger area.<br/>
Rook worked quickly, removing the ammo straps and vest from his body to inspect the wounded area. Blood seeped from below his left rib cage to the surrounding areas, obvious shrapnel holes in his jacket. Rook briskly grabbed the medical kit from the wall above them and went to unlatch the man's helmet. Part of him expected Fuze to swat his hands away, but the soldier didn't move as Rook removed the piece of uniform.<br/>
"It's going to be ok Shuhrat, I'm going to clean your wounds until Doc can help you, OK?" He spoke quickly but softly. Despite him being a military professional, the last thing Rook wanted to do was stress him out more with harsh yelling. He took his own helmet and head covering off to see better, and worked to remove the bits of wood and stone from Fuze's body.<br/>
A hand came up to Rook's cheek unexpectedly, causing him to gasp and look up to Fuze's face. He was pale, dark bags under his eyes, the moonlight casting dramatic shadows on his sharp cheekbones and jawline. His hazel eyes were unfocused, but gazed up at Rook's own deep blue ones, full of so many emotions the Frenchman would've never thought he'd see in such a hardened man. He breathed hard, parting his lips to speak.<br/>
"A...angel..." He stuttered, and a faint smile turned the corners of his lips. Rook only gaped, completely taken back by what he said. Hesitantly, he lifted his own hand to Fuze's cold cheek, cupping it and letting him rest his head.<br/>
"You're going to be OK mon ami," He spoke quietly, Finishing the loose gauze on his stomach and wrapping his jacket around his front again. "I'll be right here." Fuze's eyelids fluttered as his strength ebbed, and Rook could only pray that Jager could get them to base fast enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't ever write fanfictions, and its been a hot minute since I've written in general. So if you made it this far I appreciate you as a human bean. Please look forward to the next chapters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Damage to the midsection, several deep lacerations and even more smaller ones, but is healing just fine." Doc spoke quietly, as Rook paced slowly in his office. "What more do you want me to say?"<br/>"I don't know," Rook grumbled, pausing his pacing to look out the office window at the courtyard that decorated the center area of the fortress. "I just wish I had been able to do something, I wish I had been able to stop the cluster charge before it was too late." Rook pressed his hands over his face in an effort to relieve stress. He heard the doctor stand from his chair and walk over, gently grabbing the younger man's hands and lowering them. Rook looked down, defeated. Doc released his hands and put reassuring ones on Rook's shoulders.<br/>"You did everything you could and more. I'm sure if he were here right now he would thank you for saving his life. Why do his injuries cause you so much stress?"<br/>Rook sighed, the memory of the flight home several days ago running across his eyes like a movie on repeat. The touch, the words, the look of pure adoration the Spetsnaz gave him. It confused him as much as it made his heart flutter, and he couldn't put the feelings he had into words if he had to. He wanted help from Doc, but was afraid of what he'd hear. Just as he had made a decision to talk, Doc's watch beeped, and he stepped away to grab a mask from a box on the shelves.<br/>"I have to go check his vitals now, but he is healing fast, and maybe once he's out and active you can get the answer you want from him, yes?" Doc spoke as he prepared himself for Fuze's care. Rook crossed his arms and nodded, and followed Doc out of his office, heading out of the medical bay and down the hallways towards his quarters. The feeling of Fuze's hand ghosted across his cheek for a split second, and he shook his head involuntarily to rid his head of the thoughts. What was he thinking? Anything that Fuze had done was purely out of the clouded thoughts caused by pain and fatigue. None of it was real for him. He probably doesn't remember. He probably doesn't care to remember. He-<br/>His phone buzzed with a text from Gustav.<br/><em>Just released Shuhrat. He insisted he was fine, his wounds are clearing up fine. I thought you would like to know.</em><br/>Rooks eyes widened, and several possible events passed through his mind at once. He could go see Shuhrat, but what if he shoos him away? What if he's happy to see him? What if he's angry? What if he cries? Rook winced at the clearly ridiculous ones but strained to see how Fuze would react upon seeing him. They never visited, hell, the flight was Rook's first view of any sort of expression on the brute man's face unless it was a furrowed brow and a tight frown. And yet Rook found himself walking past the GIGN living quarters towards the other side of the base, where he would find Shuhrat. Hopefully.<br/>He had to fight himself not to pick up into a run the closer he got, but upon passing the open doors into the generic kitchen/living area of the Spetsnaz, he suddenly felt like he was trudging through that mud again on that island, his steps getting more difficult the closer he got to the door with Fuze's operator emblem engraved into it. But there he was, standing at the door, listening awkwardly to the quiet rustling on the other side. Gathering all the courage he has ever had, he raised him fist and lightly rapped on the door.<br/>"Who is it?"<br/>Rook opened his mouth, but paused, not sure what to say. Then he had an idea. A stupid idea, in his opinion.<br/>"An angel." He responded, wincing slightly. He could hear papers fly and several heavy metal things fall off of a surface as Shuhrat stumbled from where he was. The door swung inward and a frazzled Uzbek stood on the other side, eyes wide and pale. He had a moss green jacket zipped up halfway, with the telltale signs of gauze wrapping over bare skin, and grey sweatpants.<br/>"You... heard that?" He muttered after what seemed like an eternity of silence. Rook stood stiffly, his hand still up in knocking position. He lowered it and rubbed the back of his hand anxiously.<br/>"Uh, yeah..." He stammered out. "I thought I'd come check on you since you ran out of the med bay early." He darted his eyes around everything but Shuhrat, grasping at anything in his mind to talk about except the one thing he wanted to. "How do you feel?"<br/>Shuhrat lowered his hand from the door handle, letting it swing wider and silently inviting Rook inside. The desk across from the entrance was littered with blueprints, reports, and pieces of metal and mechanical parts. The same things also littered the floor in a path to the door, likely the result of Rook's surprise visit.<br/>"I'm... fine..." Fuze mumbled, turned away from Rook as he struggled to reach things on the ground to pick up. He hissed through his teeth. Rook rushed over and knelt down to help.<br/>"Well don't undo your stitching, let me help you." Rook smiled, grabbing bits and pieces of everything and placing them on the desk, then offering a hand to Shuhrat who hesitantly took it. Rook sighed, willing himself to talk, but before he could Fuze broke the silence.<br/>"Whatever you heard me say, whatever I..." He paused and sighed, eyes set on the messy desk. "I was..."<br/>"You were hurt, and delirious, I understand." Rook finished, heart sinking. He knew this conversation was going to be tough. Thinking back to the teasing and "taboos" of his country, he can't possibly imagine what that was like where Shuhrat grew up. He didn't want the Uzbek to feel uncomfortable or, even worse, hate him. But the nagging feeling of just wanting to understand him, and to let him know he could trust him, wouldn't stop bubbling up from his core. "I don't judge you for any of it. I actually found it..." It was his turn to drift into silence, not knowing what words were best to use.<br/>"It didn't mean anything. It was delusion, and I-" Fuze crossed his arms tightly. "We should just forget it happened. I'm fine now. It's over." He finally looked up to Rook, who still stood just ahead of the doorway. Shuhrat's eyes were set like stone, but Rook could just make out the traces of hurt, and confusion. The Frenchman blinked out of the minor daze, and shuffled back through the doorway.<br/>"I know, I understand. I figured I would, you know," He stumbled the words as he passed the frame. "Just make sure you check with Doc on your stitches, he was, you know, concerned." Then he was gone. <br/>As Rook briskly walked back towards his own quarters, he winced internally at what had just passed. He should've just dropped it and made the assumption that whatever happened was really just Fuze on the verge of blood loss, nothing real. He didn't even know why he cared, it's not like he was-<br/>Rook paused right at his doorway, his own emblem embellished on the hard wood. All of the thoughts he had stuffed aside, everything he refused to think, hit him like a train. That touch he felt on his cheek, the look of adoration in Fuze's eyes, the feeling that for a split second, someone had that affection, that need for him. And to make it more alluring, it was one of the most mysterious people he had ever met. But the one part that was the most painful was that it was Fuze. A man. A person that was supposed to be a brother to him in battle, a soldier who, when the time came and he fell in battle, Rook would have to move on with his job.<br/>He unlocked his door frantically and slammed it closed just as the tears began to fall. Why was he so upset? Why did he have to feel this way? Why did it have to be Shuhrat? Why did it have to be them? He fell back onto his bed, staring into space until his eyes grew heavy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading, putting it out might be a little slow, my writer's block has me kidnapped and tied up in the basement. Expect more!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I know, I understand. I figured I would, you know... Just make sure you check with Doc on your stitches, he was, you know, concerned."<br/>
Fuze saw Rook's hand slip passed the frame of his door, listened to his footsteps as they made their way quickly out of the Spetsnaz quarters. After a moment, he slowly shuffled to the door to close it, feeling more empty than he'd ever been before. He didn't know how to feel, he didn't know how he was supposed to feel. Before now, his life had always been simple, black and white. And now there's new colors, new situations he'd never experienced. And it was all because of Julien.<br/>
He sat heavily in his desk chair and rubbed his face with his hands. Julien had never come to him personally to check on him. He never went out of his way to have a casual chat with him. Of course, Fuze knew he was not the most talkative person, and if forced into a conversation he was much better with just listening than joining in. But now something barely in his memory has the soft French man running over, helping him with his mess, checking on how he was. He had never experienced this kind of care, not even from the woman he had planned to marry years ago. And even as minutely as Julien running over, giving him a soft smile with those beautiful deep blue eyes-<br/>
Shuhrat snapped his head out of his hands as he cut those thoughts out quickly. He felt so wrong, having these feelings. But then when the blonde man passed his thoughts, they felt so natural. Like they were teasing his weakness, knowing he wouldn't dare grasp for it, and they could dance around him all they wanted. He found himself frowning at the pile of metal bits Rook had placed on his desk. </p>
<p>As the weeks passed, Fuze found that Julien was more in his life than ever before. At times he would find his own eyes drifting towards the GIGN table in the mess hall, silently watching Julien talk with flair to the others seated there, throwing his hands and using expressions to tell his stories. And he could tell everyone was hooked on what he was saying. Even Gustave would smile and chuckle. At other times he would be on his way to the workshop, arms full of boxes of parts and papers, and some of the weight would leave as Rook would poke his head around the boxes, grabbing a share and offering help. Fuze would roll his eyes, but he never objected. And as they walked, Rook would talk of things, a joke Blitz told him, a new science fact Jager would wake him up at 2am to tell him, or a new dish Glaz made that he tried out. And Fuze would find himself listening, enjoying the sound of his voice and the way it drowned out his own imposing thoughts and the silence of the building. He began to not only expect the presence of Julian, but he would feel empty and alone without him. He was like his own personal sunshine in an otherwise dreary landscape. But he was always scared of wanting more.<br/>
One day, Rook wasn't there. Shuhrat went all day without seeing him once. Not at the mess hall, not in training, not in the workshop. His heart fell as the one thing that seemed to keep him going was gone as fast as it came. He found himself walking into the area of the building he had not traversed before. The GIGN living quarters was the only thing down this hallway and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself from wanting to find out why Rook was gone. As he rounded the corner, the evening sun shining through the windows, a smaller body bumped into him, earning an 'oof' from both of them as the person bounced off.<br/>
"Oh, uh Shuhrat! Sorry about that." Twitch said, adjusting the packages in her arms. "I was too excited to get these new electrical boards to the workshop I wasn't paying attention." She chuckled, then looked straight at Fuze, who still stood there silently. "What are you doing over here, by the way?" She questioned with a squint.<br/>
"I..." Shuhrat stuttered. "Have you seen Julien? At all?" He asked. She raised a brow at him, and for one of the first times in his life he was mentally willing himself to flee.<br/>
"He's deployed?" She responded, as if the information should've been obvious. "He went out with a team somewhere in Southern Germany. Nothing serious. You don't remember the announcement?" Fuze took in a breath, shaking his head and looking at the ground. Twitch ushered him silently to walk with her down the hallway, away from the living quarters. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a small smirk on her face, an amused glint in her eye.<br/>
"You know, Julien thinks very fondly of you." She stated out of nowhere. Fuze's heart almost popped out of his chest.<br/>
"Does he?" The Uzbek replied simply, trying to keep himself from sprinting off. Twitch continued on.<br/>
"Oh yeah! He's always talking about the time he spends with you. I'm glad he has someone who listens to him." She turned and smiled, her brown ponytail bouncing behind her. I'm glad you two have each other." Shuhrat raised his hands defensively.<br/>
"No no, it's not like that, he's-"<br/>
"Shuhrat," Twitch stopped in her tracks, Shuhrat having to turn around to meet her gaze again. "You know as much as anyone that love finds itself in many forms, shapes and sizes. And the more you push something away, the harder it'll hit you in the end. So just enjoy what you have and don't let anyone get in the way of being happy, yes?"<br/>
Shuhrat stared blankly, mouth slightly agape. Twitch smiled brighter and continued walking, then paused and spun on her heel.<br/>
"He'll be back in a week. You can survive until then." She murmured, and with a wink she spun around and off towards the workshop. The Uzbek continued to stare until she was out of sight. She spoke words he wouldn't tell himself in a million years. Love? That couldn't be it, could it? Fuze walked away from the GIGN area, back towards his own quarters. Could two people who were the same gender really be happy with each other? Every thought that went through his head was paired with a small voice that screamed against it, that he was a straight man who didn't have time for love, or women, or marriage. He didn't want to drag anyone into his military life, full of chaos and misery. Except Julien, he thought, was already in that world, wasn't he...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Stay frosty my readers, you're about to see some good stuff don't you worry</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. SPICY CHAPTER (4)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Upon arriving at the living quarters and finding a rambunctious party being held by the one and only Alexandr and a few other noticeable drinkers in Rainbow, Shuhrat opted to take a cooling walk in the grounds outside the base for some quiet. The sun had long set, but the moon was out and the breeze was light enough to cool his skin. Far enough that the trees obscured most of the outer lighting of the building, he sat in a small dip on an old log, partially hidden by large bushes and a couple trees, at least on the side that was closest to the dirt path. When he knew that no one had followed or were using the path as a jogging track, he let himself relax, leaning against a large tree and staring up at the small patches of stars through the branches. The view gave him glimpses of that night, on the heli. How he opened his eyes only to see the moonlight cast over Julien's soft blonde hair, how he was touching his wounds with such tender care. How beautiful he looked underneath that heavenly light, like an angel.<br/>
Shuhrat let his thoughts expand, thinking of the Frenchman's soft skin against his rough gloves. Oh how he wished he could touch him with his own bare hands, run his fingers through those golden locks, pull the man into a tight embrace and never let go. And the small memory of Julien's warm hand against his own cheek, resting his head into it and feeling...</p><p>Safe.</p><p>Shuhrat didn't realize his eyes had slipped closed until they snapped open. All his life he always watched his own back, he didn't leave anything behind, he kept his circle so small it was practically nonexistent. And when Julien waltzes in, he hits right at Fuze's soft spot, he cradles him in his arms and whispers encouragement, he wants to protect him. He talked to him and told him things to learn his reactions. To see a smile, or get a response. He wanted to know that the trust he gave to Shuhrat could show the Spetsnaz that he could give him the same amount of trust back.<br/>
Shuhrat let out a deep sigh, like the hurricane in his mind had eased into a dark storm. Even if he realized what he felt, he still had to come to terms with it being OK. What if people found out? Well Twitch seemed to know, and she seemed fine... Well what if he didn't like it? Fuze gave a thought to possibly kissing Rook, and a slight twitch in his crotch region signified that it likely wouldn't be so. He longed to have Julien pressed against him, lips touching and hands exploring. The twitch grew stronger, and he tentatively pressed into it with his hand. If he kept letting his mind wander, he might be a functioning mess by the time Rook returned from his deployment. And even if he was working through his own thoughts, he wasn't a hundred percent sure Rook had the same feelings.<br/>
He sighed deeply at the last thought, feeling a guilty feeling growing in his gut. He shouldn't assume Julien fought the same mental war as him, and even if he was beginning to understand himself, he shouldn't keep himself distracted. <br/>
As he had planned to get up and head back inside, rapid footsteps down the dirt path had him slink back into the shadows. Sounds of laughter and joking echoed through the trees as Timur and Maxim shoved through the undergrowth, poking at each other with one hand and holding alcohol in the other. Fuze frowned at the sight. Not only were they noisy, but he feared coming out of the undergrowth, especially in the dark, would look really suspicious. After some thought, Shuhrat decided to stay put and wait for his two comrades to pass. But as they entered his full vision, they slowed down. Maxim bent over, hands on knees, to catch his breath.<br/>
"Come on, old man, you can't jog a little farther? Are you getting that stiff?" Timur joked, his smile bright and his cheeks noticeably flushed. Fuze did a mental eye role. They had definitely been at Sasha's party before heading out. But why were they out here?<br/>
"I'm not old, you idiot." Maxim retorted, finally standing straight, and wincing at a pain in his back. Timur chuckled and pushed lightly at the trapper's chest, causing him to back up into a tree and grunt.<br/>
"Look at you друг, you can't even stand straight." Timur giggled. Fuze watched, eyes widening, as the sniper wobbled slightly, and into Maxim's arms. His breath hitched in his throat.<br/>
"Neither can you, you're crushing me!" Maxim groaned, pushing Timur away slightly, and dropping his bottle at the base of the tree.<br/>
"Mmh yes, but I know you like it." Timur responds, taking a last swig from his bottle before dropping it nearby Maxim's.<br/>
"You don't know that, you don't know anything." Maxim grumbled, grabbing Timur's cheeks between his fingers as they stepped closer to each other.<br/>
"Of course I do," Timur spoke softly. "Every time you beg me for it, you always want to be the bottom so you can relax on the bed." He growled the last part, and pushed Maxim against the tree again, bodies pressed against each other. "I know you're a slut for getting crushed, old man."<br/>
Shuhrat couldn't avert his eyes as he watched Timur crash his lips into Maxim's, both absolutely lost to the world, craving each other as if they were the last drop of water on Earth. Timur's fingers dug into the trappers hips, forcing him to grind against his own groin, and he could hear their moans through the kiss. Maxim wrapped his arms around Timur's neck, smiling into the kiss. After a heated session Maxim breaks for air, only for Timur to lower his kisses to his neck, biting and sucking, and illiciting soft moans and pants from the other man. The sniper continued grinding, forcing Maxim higher up the tree and supporting the man's legs with his forearms.<br/>
"Fuck, Timur," Maxim whimpered. "You're going to ruin my fucking pants if you keep doing that."<br/>
"What do you want me to do, strip you down in the middle of the park and fuck your brains out?" Timur responded hoarsely. Maxim paused for thought, earning him a bite on the neck.<br/>
"Hey, no biting!" He hissed, pressing himself more into the sniper holding him up.<br/>
Fuze realized his eyes were getting dry from not blinking. And his pants were tight with the hard-on he didn't realize he had. Never before had he seen something so new, so dirty, and absolutely addicting. Not only that, he would've never pictured this. Timur and Maxim, having at each other like a couple of rabbits in heat. Caught up in onyl each other, giving each other sensations and emotions Fuze only had a vague idea of. He knew he would be caught eventually if he stayed, even if he wanted to give in and touch himself to the view. He would rather avoid an embarrassment, on all three of their parts, than give in to his own urges. Silently, he snuck away from the log he had been sitting on, further away from the two operators and into the undergrowth. He figured he could take a longer route back to base to prevent being noticed. But he couldn't help pausing and looking back as Maxim let out a heated wail, no doubt getting what he wanted from his secret lover. Fuze turned back and continued trudging through the bushes, back into the light of the building.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The remaining days of Rook's deployment moved along at a snail's pace, and Shuhrat found himself suffering from every second of it. He was typically an inexpressive person, stone-faced to anything bothersome or negative that crossed his path, but for a few weeks now he felt on edge. He was more irritable, he even snapped at a recruit just bringing him a message that Doc needed him in for his check-up. He was also pretty sure the recruit was traumatized afterwards.<br/>Shuhrat was pretty good at keeping his emotions and thoughts behind his dark eyes, but he knew pretty instantly Doc was looking at him with curiosity. After removing the IV needle from his inner arm with the blood sample put away, the doctor turned back to the Uzbek with a sigh. Shuhrat almost flinched. He knew Gustav sighed right before he was going to start "interrogating" his patients.<br/>"Do you have something on your mind?" He asked, words rolling off his tongue in his thick accent. He gently lifted Shuhrat's arm to wrap gauze around his elbow. "You've been pretty distracted as of late, from what I've seen."<br/>"I'm normal." The larger man spoke, almost cutting off Gustave's last word in a rushed effort to diminish the conversation. But he could see a small smile in the corner of his eyes as he tried to avoid eye contact. A smile that definitely said "I know something".<br/>"Shuhrat, I insist," Doc started, pointing a finger to enunciate his words. "As your primary doctor I urge you to come to me with any ailments or troubles. So-" He grabbed a stool from behind a bed curtain and plopped down on it with the ease of doing it a million times. "-what is troubling you?"<br/>Shuhrat looked at him in disbelief, like a child receiving a punishment that 'totally' wasn't fair. Gustave's smile only widened, lips closed but a warmth coming from him regardless, even with his permanently tired eyes.<br/>"There really is... no problem." Shuhrat mumbled, subconsciously crossing his arms. Bad move, he found, Gustave's eyes flicked down and back up to his face. The doctor could practically feel the negativity flowing off of the Uzbek right now. Under the piercing gaze, the quiet man was beginning to crack. "I just... have a lot to process right now." Gustave gave a small understanding nod, smile not fading.<br/>"Well, keeping that turmoil to yourself might lead to worse distractions on the job, no?" The Frenchman replied softly. "And perhaps if you vent your troubles, I can help you with a solution, or at the very least be an ear to your frustrations." Shuhrat gave his response some thought. On one hand, he could confide in the doctor about his feelings, and risk a negative response. But what would it be? It would be very unprofessional, and completely out of character, for someone like Gustave to either burst into laughter and mockery, or worse, an outrage. Would he outright chastise Shuhrat? Part of himself said that this wouldn't be the case, but he couldn't imagine what a better outcome would be.<br/>And of course on the other hand, He could completely reject the doctor's kind offer and end up where he had been. In the dark, alone and confused. Shuhrat gave a big sigh and rested his head in his hands, feeling small on the perch of the exam table.<br/>"I have been having... thoughts." He choked out finally, not raising his head from his hands. Every word felt like a razor. "New thoughts. Confusing thoughts." He wanted to physically punch the stupid out of himself right now.<br/>Gustave stayed silent for a few seconds, contemplating the response with an aura of sincere concern and interest.<br/>"Thoughts of... what, specifically?" The doctor pressed after some time. "And what caused these thoughts?"<br/>Shuhrat sighed, and finally brought his head up once again, albeit avoiding eye contact. "Certain events, most recently. I feel like my head is fitted on backwards. You know?" He looked at Gustave's face at the end, worried about any responses, even if he is still avoiding details like the plague. The doctor's brow was furrowed in thought, his eyes looking away as he considered the answers to his questions. Shuhrat's gut wrenched at what he asked next.<br/>"Does it involve your most recent mission and injuries?" He spoke, eyes meeting Shuhrat's. The latter gulped, feeling sickly. He eventually gave a small nod, words failing him. Gustave pressed further. "Shuhrat, I understand that a near-death experience can change someone, even if they had no feelings like this prior." The Uzbek turned rather quickly at the word 'feelings'. He knew exactly what this was about. And yet when the larger man searched the Frenchman's face, the only expressions he could read were soft and forgiving. "But the best thing you can do is to accept the changes and work towards a better you. No matter what, you are the only one who can make a change to what you are. Do you understand?"<br/>"But what if it's unnatural?" Shuhrat blurted out, then snapped his mouth closed, a cold sweat washing over him. But Gustave only responded with a small shake of his head.<br/>"In this day and age, there are a lot of things people do that are unnatural." He replied, his smile returning. "As long as you take care of yourself, and you are happy, there shouldn't be any argument."<br/>Shuhrat looked straight to Gustave, and he saw the understanding in his gaze that he saw in Emma's eyes weeks ago when he ran looking for Julien. His first thought was 'what are with these French people and love?'. But his thoughts were cut off by Gustave's phone ringing on the table nearby. They both turned to the thing vibrating on the surface, and Shuhrat quickly picked himself off of the table as Gustave politely excused them both from the examination. But before Gustave answered it he called out Shuhrat's name.<br/>"I can't say much, my friend, but whatever you are going through, you have help in a lot more places than you think." He spoke with a kind expression. Shuhrat returned the smile, and continued out the office door. For the first time in a really long time, He felt his shoulder's relax from the mental weight.<br/>-<br/>The day Rook returned to Headquarters, tailed by Jager, Blitz, Montagne, and Castle, he found a cheap 'welcome home' sign draped over the doorway into the GIGN living quarters, and way too many Spetsnaz and SWAT in there to know that this party was going to be a wild one. Despite alcohol being "prohibited" on base, Harry never minded letting operators celebrate successful missions in order to keep up team spirit. And oh were there many spirits here.<br/>Upon entry he was immediately greeted by an enthusiastic Emma, who gave him a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek, then proceeded to practically climb Monty to do the same. Gustave also came up, touching Julien on the shoulder and offering a warm smile and a greeting, then a hug to Gilles behind him, who definitely seemed more enthused to Gustave's gentle approach to Emma's ungraceful attack. Julien couldn't help but smile at the immediate radiating happiness from the two older men, and decided to tuck the knowledge away that they might both be happier in other ways than he thinks. But just with that thought he was immediately reminded of Shuhrat.<br/>He didn't mean to leave without warning. He knew he bothered the man enough always trailing him around, telling him nearly everything on his mind. He wasn't sure how Shuhrat felt about it. So when the deployment came around, he ended up being too scared to confront him about it. Besides, deployment is normal, why would Fuze care about him leaving? Everyone ends up going somewhere. And yeah, maybe there's a chance sometimes that someone might not come back, but that's part of the job you can't avoid. Still, though, the memory of departing made him a little crestfallen.<br/>The sulky feeling rapidly changing to anxiety nearly gave Julien whiplash as his eyes, trailing around and seeing all the celebrating ops, landed on a very uncomfortable Shuhrat. He was squished on the couch between a rowdy Tachanka and a boisterous Castle. The latter had immediately succumbed to the siren's song, A.K.A the unceremoniously piled alcohol on the kitchen island, and was hooting and hollering to Sasha's Russian drunken ranting.<br/>Shuhrat eventually caught Julien's eye, and forced his way out from between the men to meet the Frenchman halfway.<br/>"It's good to see you ag-"<br/>"You didn't tell me you left." Shuhrat interrupted Julien's greeting, an expression of hurt barely showing behind his baggy, tired eyes. Now Julien really felt guilty.<br/>"I'm sorry Shuhrat," He began, trying not to speak too loud, despite it being hard to be heard over the racket. "I figured you already knew." He gave a friendly chuckle. "Did you miss my rambling that much?" Julien expected Shuhrat to either remain silent or to retort with a sarcastic remark back. His smile faded softly as the Uzbek's expression didn't change.<br/>"Yes." He said simply, looking Julien straight in the eyes, his own blue ones widening as he realized Shuhrat looked... tired.<br/>"Well..." Julien murmered. "You have me now. So let's celebrate together, yes?" His smile returned and he grabbed a couple drinks from the cooler next to the island, offering one to the quiet man. He grabbed it, they popped the caps, and chugged.<br/>Julien took several more drinks. In one way, he drank because he wanted to wind down. Something was bothering him, some thought nagging at the back of his head. In another way, he drank because he was afraid. He wanted to make sure those thoughts never came to the surface, even if he drank himself to death. He just wanted to forget. He wanted to be normal. He wanted to be happy. He found himself practically glued to Shuhrat on the couch that is definitely holding too many people at once.<br/>Shuhrat also drank several more. And in the same ways he just wanted to be comfortable in his own skin, even momentarily. He didn't express himself much differently when he was intoxicated, thanks to years of just making sure he didn't go too far, but at this time the amount of empty glasses and bottles he was producing was getting pretty high. And despite the struggle to feel good, the nagging at his gut only increased.<br/>Someone had started music blasting on some bluetooth speakers when Julien decided he needed to leave to a quieter area. He made his way unsteadily towards the back of the living room area, where there was a door leading into a small hallway. The hallway continued as a shortcut to the mess hall, but Julien was content leaning against the cool wall in the dim moonlit corridor. Not too long after he relaxed, he heard the door open again, and found an equally unsteady Shuhrat slip through the doorway, closing it softly behind him. Julien couldn't help but smile as he saw him.<br/>"Too loud?" The blonde said, suppressing the giggle in his words as much as he could.<br/>"I don't know. You weren't there. So I left." Shuhrat replied bluntly, running a supportive hand against the wall until he was close to Julien, both in the moonlight of the nearby window. Julien's smile only grew bigger. The man in front of him was so damn cute when he missed him. And despite something in the back of his mind yelling at him to shut up, Julien let the thoughts flow through all the way to his eyes. He explored the Uzbek's pale face, eyeing the light scar that passed across his lips, the dark hair nearly disheveled from his hand running through it. And he found himself inching closer in order to peer into those dark, mysterious eyes, something he considered a rare gift. Shuhrat never got this close to anyone, and to know that Julien was lucky enough to get to see the softer side of this cold-blooded killer made him feel more elated than ever before.<br/>"That made perfect sense, you know." Julien replied softly, and this time he couldn't help the giggling coming from deep within him. He felt giddy and nervous at the same time.<br/>Shuhrat gave him a small smile, leaning forward in an attempt to keep his balance steady. Julien could feel his breath on his cheek.<br/>"Nothing makes sense right now, idiot." The Uzbek shook his head, pushing Julien lightly with a finger. The simple touch felt like fire across the Frenchman's body. What was wrong with him?<br/>"No, it doesn't." Julien murmured an agreement, finding his own hands coming up to give a challenging push himself. But he only managed to press them against the other man's chest and shoulder weakly. He felt Shuhrat shudder slightly under the touch.<br/>"Does it matter if it doesn't make sense?"<br/>Shuhrat's hand guided itself to Julien's chest. They were inches apart, eyes locked in a dazed trance.<br/>"Absolutely not."<br/>Julien trailed a hand down, not giving a thought to why or how. The roughness of the hoodie Shuhrat was wearing grazed against his hot palms.<br/>"Do you want this?"<br/>One hand found itself at Julien's face, bringing him closer until their foreheads touched. Another hand worked its way down Julien's side, tracing every small curve and detail it could find above the Frenchman's thick jacket. He could barely stifle a small gasp at the feeling. Their bodies were so close, their lips almost touching, Julien's doe-like eyes gazing longingly into the deep dark hungry ones of Shuhrat.<br/>"I..."<br/>Julien's mind failed as Shuhrat's hand grazed his upper thigh, large hands easily spanning the width. He could feel his thumb stroke dangerously close to his center, and never before had he been so thankful alcohol stunted any growth down there. Julien ran his own hands down Shuhrat's sides, taking in how large the man was, drinking in every detail of bunched muscle he could feel with his fingers. He did want this. He wanted it so bad. He wanted to give himself to Shuhrat until he was drained and used. He wanted to be his. But one thought crossed his mind at his most vulnerable state, the one thought that was able to escape his lips.<br/>"What are we doing..?"<br/>Shuhrat and Julien immediately snapped away from each other, eyes wild and flicking about for any sign of what the other thought.<br/>"I'm sorry, I-I don't know what I.." Shuhrat stuttered, turning his eyes away from the other man and grasping his head like it was going to explode. He was suddenly so dizzy.<br/>"No, it's fine, I'm sorry, it was my fault," Julien quickly stammered, the image of Shuhrat being distraught more painful that a bullet wound. He had never seen so much emotion on the man's face and he hopes he never has too again.<br/>"I can't believe I... Why did I have to..." Shuhrat turned away from Julien, starting to walk uneasily around him towards the door opposite of the living room.<br/>"Wait! Please!" Julien shouted in desperation, lurching forward to grab the sleeve of Shuhrat's hoodie. The other man whipped his head back, eyes on him as if Julien was a poisonous snake. The Frenchman let go in fear. "Please, Shuhrat, I'm so sorry, please, just tell me how you feel. Tell me what you want." Julien could feel the tears forming in his eyes, and willed them to stay. Shuhrat hesitated, frozen stiff.<br/>"I don't know..." He muttered, taking another step towards the door. "Everything is just so confusing, I don't know what to do. I want things to make sense. I want to be normal." The words flowed from Shuhrat's mouth like a waterfall, thoughts flying at a thousand miles an hour and the only sane thought he had was to just run away. So that's what he did.<br/>Julien watched the door latch shut again as the Uzbek fled down the other hallway. He slid down the wall, tears finally flowing as he sobbed into his knees. What has he done?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shuhrat stepped uneasily out of the bathroom, the sudden emptiness and burning in his stomach a constant reminder of the seemingly endless amounts of alcohol he just ejected into the latrine. He had ran (really just a wobbly jog) non-stop until his gut was threatening to unleash right on the pale cold concrete. Thankfully, the public restrooms around the base were plentiful. He found himself in an area of the base he wan't too familiar with. Of course the walls were all the same, but seeing the GSG9 emblem decorating certain areas let him know how far he had run.<br/>
But now that the adrenaline rush had subsided, he felt the ache in his heart grow stronger to his attention. For the first time in his life he could feel himself falling apart from the inside out. He felt as if part of himself had been violently ripped from him and lost in the void. Shuhrat felt a tear roll down his cheek, but was too mentally lost to feel any masculine shame. After all, that's all his father would talk of. He wanted Shuhrat to be the perfect man. Strong, intelligent, courageous, and a prime specimen to carry on the family name. There were no tears, there were no mistakes. The thoughts of his father rose with a boiling anger. How different would he have been if he were able to choose his life? To love who he wanted to love?<br/>
Shuhrat found he had been shuffling along silently, eyes unfocused. He was still in the German wing, but nowhere near anything he could recognize.<br/>
"Shuhrat?" A voice spoke out in the dark. He immediately tensed, freezing in place. "What are you doing here?"<br/>
Jager walked slowly but nimbly out of the dark hallway, his brown parted hair bouncing where it was combed to the side, his blue eyes large and expressive. His hands were curled into his body slightly, as if he were a curious animal coming close to sniff something unusual. Shuhrat looked down at the floor, finding himself afraid of showing his face to the German.<br/>
"I think I'm lost." He responded simply. If he were in a better mood he could see how it would be joking. But at this time he felt nothing in his soul. Jager came closer, stretching out a hand slightly as if to touch Shuhrat's shoulder, but retracted it after a second of thought.<br/>
"Do you..." Jager started hesitantly. "Do you need to talk?"<br/>
Shuhrat dared to look up at the older man, and judging by his immediate concern, knew he probably looked like shit. But also knowing Jager, Shuhrat knew the man could feel his own emotions. He was a unique case, was never good at talking to people, or expressing himself without getting overly frustrated, but he knew when someone was feeling a certain way. And if there was one person to talk to about feeling different from everyone else, it was Marius Streicher.<br/>
Marius gently lead Shuhrat by his forearm into the German living quarters, murmuring about little things the Uzbek didn't quite pay attention to. When he had finally placed Shuhrat into one of the plain couches in the living space, Jager whipped around to the kitchen area and began rummaging through cabinets. The interactions were at least getting Shuhrat out of his disassociating stage though, and he began to take in his surroundings again. The GSG9 quarters were roughly the same as the others. The basic living space/ kitchen space, side rooms for storage or research, and the bedrooms down one long hallway. The only real differences were color palettes and slight decor. The Germans had a nice evergreen base with blue accents, a liking to Shuhrat. He examined Marius more closely after the room, and noticed he was hard at work on some sort of concoction. He had two mugs out, an electric kettle hissing, and little boxes displayed on the counter. The Uzbek felt a slight lift in his mood to see someone focus so hard on such a small task. And it was because he knew Marius was truly focused on making whatever it was perfect.<br/>
'Julien would've done the same.'<br/>
"I really hope you like this!" Marius exclaimed at the same time Shuhrat startled himself with his abrupt thought. The smell of a kind of tea mixed with something sugary. When he finally finished, he hurried over with two mugs filled with a strange white liquid. Shuhrat couldn't help the confused look on his face when he took the mug, but it only earned a laugh from the German.<br/>
"It's lavender tea with white hot chocolate powder! My academy friend used to make this for me when I would get my anxious episodes." He explained cheerily, blowing on his drink. "Whenever I see a friend having troubles, I always make them this special drink. Try it, bitte!"<br/>
Shuhrat steeled himself, blowing on the surface then taking a sip. The warmth of the drink flowed through his entire body, and the lavender tea seemed to relax every muscle that had been bunched for probably years now. The white hot chocolate powder he would never see himself putting anywhere near tea, but he found it surprisingly paired well with the lavender, and made for the ultimate calming drink. His expression of surprise and another sip earned him the proudest smile Marius could ever wear. But he saw it fade after a little while into one of curious concern. Shuhrat expected a similar conversation to the ones with Twitch and Doc. But he realized that Marius wasn't starting with any questions. Instead, he sat there cradling his drink and waiting for Shuhrat to begin on his own terms, or to just enjoy the drink. Shuhrat felt more at ease with this notion. And after a few more sips, he found his voice.<br/>
"Marius," He began. "Do you remember the flight from that island to base? When I was injured?" In his memories he didn't remember who was flying the heli, but after reading the report from the mission he had found out Jager was the one to rescue him and Rook. Without Marius's quick timing and skill, they would've gone down with the house.<br/>
"I do very much." Marius responded with a small nod. "Julien had dragged you a good ways and could barely lift you into the heli. I had never seen him so distraught."<br/>
"He was distraught?" Shuhrat asked quickly, then mentally slapped himself. "Sorry, that was a stupid question." Of course someone would be distraught about losing a soldier on the field. But Marius shook his head more fiercely as in disagreeing.<br/>
"Shuhrat, I'm not blind. I saw what happened. I heard what you said." He responded quietly. Shuhrat felt a chill go up his spine, and a cold sweat break out.<br/>
"I can explain-" He started, but Marius only chuckled.<br/>
"You don't need to. I knew Julien was captivated by you for a while now, and seeing him light up will be forever ingrained into my memories."<br/>
Shuhrat gaped, heart racing. Julien had feelings for him? Real feelings? Not just some drunken touches and depth-less flirts? The learning of this information made him want to jump off of the couch and whoop and holler as loud as Tachanka. And yet at the same time he wanted to be absorbed by the couch cushions and disappear from existence forever.<br/>
"I can't believe... I had no idea..." He rambled, finding any words that would make sense to him. Marius flicked his eyes back and forth from his drink to his eyes, silently ushering Shuhrat to continue drinking. He obeyed.<br/>
"I wouldn't say he was very obvious until he started talking to you a lot more. I think if everyone had an open opinion, you two would be their last guess to be together. It's cute how polar opposite you two are!" Marius giggled at the last part and sipped his own drink happily. Shuhrat just continued to stare in disbelief. The German seemed so open and comfortable with this knowledge, with these kinds of thoughts. He wanted to understand.<br/>
"Marius are you..?" Shuhrat's question trailed off as he felt the shame of asking such a personal thing overthrow him. Marius looked away, as if he was watching something Shuhrat couldn't see.<br/>
"I guess you could say I am and not at the same time. To be honest, I don't know what I am." He eventually murmured, then looked back with a soft smile. "So instead of struggling with who I feel I should be, I just let myself go the way I feel is right at the time."<br/>
"Do you ever feel like you should fit in more?" Shuhrat asked, his curiosity maximized.<br/>
"I feel like everyone fits in by being who they are on the inside." He replied, eyes focusing again. "Everything in the universe is ever changing! One day someone feels like wearing yellow instead of blue, another day a person feels like they want to get in shape and stop eating fatty foods. The next day a star explodes and an entire solar system is formed from the ashes. Nature and science is beautiful and it can never be formed to please every person!" Marius chattered on, hands waving, and then cleared his throat. "Sorry, I rambled. Anyways you get the point ja?"<br/>
Shuhrat had an open smile on his face, a true admiration for the pilot in his heart. And not just because he was one of the best damn pilots out there. He truly had a heart for everyone he met. He was Shuhrat's first flotation in the dark sea of insecurity, as dramatic as that sounded. But it gave Shuhrat the glimpse of hope and happiness he had craved since Julien first showed up at his room. He had the drive to make things right. He had the will to start to understand who he was, and wanted to be.<br/>
Marius took their empty cups and rinsed them in the sink, Shuhrat following him nearby since it was close to the entryway. He gave a deep sigh, more weight dropping off his shoulders.<br/>
"Thank you for everything, Marius." He finally spoke. The German turned the faucet off and wiped his hands.<br/>
"Anything for meine freunde." He replied with a smile. Suddenly Shuhrat was pulled into a tight embrace. Marius rested his chin on Shuhrat's shoulder with ease, and everything in the Uzbek's instinct told him to push away. But he fought against his old ways. He slowly wrapped his arms around the other man, and softened into the hug until he felt like he never wanted to let go. It was a feeling so alien to him, but at the same time it was nearly intoxicating. He felt like crying. He wasn't going to though. He's not that ready yet.<br/>
Jager eventually let go, pulling away and giving Shuhrat a happy smile.<br/>
"I hope you feel better after your tea." He said. "I feel like I'm going to pass out!"<br/>
Shuhrat chuckled lightly at his words. Marius looked as awake as always, despite the obvious bags under his eyes. Shuhrat realized the German's probably been up for a long while now. He was on the ride home from deployment, survived a party, and took care of Shuhrat. He didn't even know what time it was, but he immediately felt the fatigue.<br/>
"I do feel better, yes. Thank you." He responded, moving towards the door as Marius shut the lamp lights they had been using. "I just hope to make things right. Somehow."<br/>
"Everything meant to happen will all happen in good time my friend." Marius replied. "Now, do you need directions back to your quarters?"<br/>
Shuhrat smiled slightly and nodded guiltily.<br/>
-<br/>
"Julien, are you OK in there?"<br/>
Emma leaned against the man's door, ear pressed into the wood for any signs of life. By the time she had realized Julien was gone, he had walked back through the rear exit, averting his gaze from the diminishing crowd. But the one glance she caught was enough. His eyes were puffy and she could tell he was completely distraught. She had never seen him like that, undone and dejected. It scared her.<br/>
"Julien, si tu plait, open the door." She begged. Doc walked towards her after the last of the visitors left, a worried expression on his face. She silently motioned for him to stay back, then walked away from the door.<br/>
"What happened?" Gustave whispered, open concern in his voice. Emma sighed in defeat.<br/>
"I-I don't know." She murmured back. "He came in from the back door looking like he had seen death. He looked like he had been crying." Her heart hurt picturing the look in his eyes. "I don't know what to do!"<br/>
Gustave seemed to be equally as effected by the news, but seeing his eyes flick around in thought made Emma question.<br/>
"I didn't see Julien leave the room." He said after a while. "But I did see Shuhrat go into the rear exit. He never came back through so I figured he had left for the night."<br/>
The two ops looked at each other with barely concealed horror. Emma flipped on her heels back to Julien's door, lightly but firmly knocking again.<br/>
"Julien let us help, please." She begged again. "Just let us know you're OK!"<br/>
"I'm fine..." A small voice came back from the closed door. But it didn't deter the Frenchwoman.<br/>
"Can I get you anything, ami? A water? A snack? A hug?" Her voice broke slightly. She couldn't stand to see her closest friend so broken. But she was met with silence.<br/>
"Emma," Gustave murmured. But before he could finish, the lock of the door clicked, and the door began to open.<br/>
Emma couldn't help but to leap onto Julien as soon as the door opened up enough. He was feverishly hot, and smelled of alcohol still, but she held on until even she was able to compose herself. Julien wrapped his arms around her, appreciating the warm friendliness and the weight. Gustave walked forward into his room, turning the light on and causing Julien to hiss.<br/>
"Julien, what is wrong?" Gustave questioned, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. Emma released him and resorted to holding his soft cheeks in her small hands, thumbs circling in an attempt to calm him.<br/>
"I don't want to talk about it, I can't..." He struggled to say, his throat sore from sobbing and lack of water. He averted his eyes to the ground in shame. Emma and Gustave exchanged a look, and guided Julien to his bed, where they sat on either side of him. Julien took in a shaky sigh. "You two don't need to comfort me, I just need sleep is all."<br/>
Emma took his hand in hers and rubbed it reassuringly. Julien could feel Gustave's hand on his back, rubbing a gentle palm up and down in a comforting way. And despite everything in him saying he shouldn't be so soft and open, he found the movements helped him relax.<br/>
"I won't let you sleep until I know you feel better." Emma stated, using her other hand to calm his disheveled hair. "I love you too much to let you go to sleep so upset. You know this." She gave a chuckle at the end to lighten the mood. But it was too hard for Julien to even force a smile. The images of Shuhrat glared at him with a mix of hurt and fear and wouldn't stop repeating in his mind. It was torturous.<br/>
"Please, Julien, tell us what happened, let us help." Gustave spoke soothingly. As Emma was like a sister to Julien, he enjoyed his fatherly take on helping the younger operator. And seeing him broken down before him made him feel like he had failed at his job. But Rook shook his head slightly, the alcohol making his brain feel like it was dissolving in his skull.<br/>
"There's so much going on, but it's just so... childish." He stated, and the ending of his sentence was slightly laced with bitterness. "I shouldn't be this upset. I shouldn't be affected at all."<br/>
Emma's heart felt like it was being crushed. Julien was truly heart broken. And recalling her quick conversation with a certain Uzbek a while prior made her demeanor change from sympathetic to protective. She couldn't stop her question.<br/>
"What did Shuhrat do, Julien?" She asked with a firm voice. Julien snapped his eyes up to hers, despite his head's protests. What did she know about?<br/>
"What... How..." He fumbled with his words. If his face weren't flushed already because of the drinking, he would be now out of embarrassment. He turned to Gustave who also had the knowing and protective expression across his eyes.<br/>
"Julien,-" Emma went to speak, but Julien cut her off.<br/>
"Look, I don't know what you guys think you know, but nothing happened and there's nothing going on, and-"<br/>
"Julien." Emma and Gustave both interrupted forcefully, making Julien flinch physically. He doesn't understand how they learned, or what all they know, but at this point he was so desperate to talk to someone about his feelings, he just wanted to break down right there and spill everything. But he was still scared of...<br/>
Emma cupped his cheek in her hand again, turning his head to face her. She looked at him with such kindness and understanding, and gave him a kiss on the forehead before speaking.<br/>
"No matter what you say, Gus and I will always care about you. We love you for who you are, ami, and we just want to know you're happy."<br/>
Gustave gave a reassuring nod after Julien had turned to him for his input. And as he thought about his feelings for Shuhrat, the image of Gustave greeting Gilles at the party ran through his thoughts again. The curiosity must've shown through his gaze, as Gustave gave a deep sigh.<br/>
"I've been through the same boat as you, Julien, but I think you know that, don't you?" The doctor said. Julien could only stare with slight disbelief, and seeing Emma's reaction as only happy and knowing made him even more confused.<br/>
"So you and... Gilles? You really are..?" He stuttered. Half of him was scared Gustave would get uncomfortable or frustrated at the prodding question.<br/>
"Gilles and I have been together for years now, I don't understand how you never saw." Gustave chuckled, a twinkle in his eye. "That man is able to not only keep me from mentally crumbling from my sheer work pile, but he's the most brilliant and kind person I've ever met. From the moment we started working together he was always by my side making sure I was the best I could ever be."<br/>
Julien gaped at the doctor, surprised at the completely open and unhesitating confession.<br/>
"Didn't you ever wonder why I call him Uncle Monty?" Emma giggled behind him, and Gustave rolled his eyes, smiling.<br/>
"I always thought because he's old and crotchety." Julien responded, then was immediately scoffed at by Gustave.<br/>
"He's not old!" The Frenchman responded, feigning offense. Emma full on laughed at his expression. And Julien couldn't help but smile widely at his two bickering "family" members. But his smile faded as he remembered his current issue. The two other ops quieted down and looked at him expectantly, continuing to rub his back and hold his hand. With the knowledge that he had someone close to him with experience in this matter, and another who was totally accepting of everything and very supportive, he felt comfortable enough to finally release the tense feelings. He gave a long sigh to ease as much of the tightness in his body as possible.<br/>
"When we were at that island, getting that shipment of contraband, and Shuhrat had gone down from the explosion," He began, slowly. "I had dragged him from the rubble to Marius's heli. I was servicing his wounds when he..." His voice failed as he subconsciously reached up to touch his cheek, the side Fuze had cradled so softly in his hand all that time ago. He sighed shakily. "He called me an angel. The look he gave me was nothing I had ever seen before. Not from anyone." His eyes came back into focus after his unnoticed flashback finished. Emma and Gustave silently urged him to continue.<br/>
"I felt like I had feelings for him before but... I always thought it was because he was a naturally mysterious person. I wanted to learn more about him, I wanted to see things from his perspective."<br/>
"That's when you started hanging out with him right?" Emma spoke up. "After the mission. I only know because you suddenly had so many stories of him. Even if they were little things like 'Oh, Shuhrat is working on a new prototype for his cluster grenades' or 'Did you guys know Shuhrat wanted to be an astronaut when he was younger?'"<br/>
Julien laughed softly along with Emma, nodding.<br/>
"Yes, I enjoyed bothering him a lot, and I felt bad when I had left without a word on the next deployment, I figured he didn't really enjoy my company over anyone else's. But I was wrong." His smile completely faded as his story caught up to the present. His eyes fell to the floor, unfocused.<br/>
"I knew Shuhrat was from a place that wasn't accepting of beliefs like this. And when I got too close, when I couldn't control my alcohol..." He felt a tear run down his hot cheek, and he looked helplessly at Emma, who mirrored his pain in her eyes. "I feel like I ruined everything. If I had just left him alone and not flamed this up into greater proportions, Shuhrat wouldn't be dealing with this drama right now. It's all my fault-"<br/>
As he choked out his last words, Emma rushed him into a crushing hug, squeezing him as he sobbed quietly into her shoulder. Gustave wrapped his arm around Julien's back and rested his cheek on his shoulder, eyes closed as the pain Julien felt radiated through the three.<br/>
"Oh Julien," Emma whispered, sniffling above him. "It's not your fault. It's not his either. You both are experiencing something new and scary. It's OK to be confused, it's OK to hurt." She gently pried him away from her shoulder and cradled his head in her hands again despite his protests to hide his face, which she peppered with light kisses. Tears ran down her own soft cheeks as she locked eyes with the young operator. "The important part is to communicate, to fix what was broken, and to understand each other's feelings." Julien sniffed and nodded, pressing back into the inviting hug. The three of them sat that way, pressed together in a near protective bubble of comfort and warmth.<br/>
"What do I do now?" Julien eventually murmured, slightly muffled by Emma's jacket.<br/>
"Talk to him." Gustave answered behind him simply. Julien squeezed his eyes shut at the thought of going up to Shuhrat again and witnessing the same look in his eyes from tonight. It hurt.<br/>
"What if he doesn't want to talk?" He responded back.<br/>
"Then give him the space he needs to think. If he really does have feelings for you, Julien, he will want to talk eventually." Emma answered this time, petting his hair. She was right though, in a way Julien would want to wait for Shuhrat to understand what was happening so he didnt push the man into something he wasn't wanting. But he also didn't want to distance so much as to lose the man forever. He felt so selfish.<br/>
"I hope he has someone as amazing as you two to help him through what he's feeling." He said after a pause.<br/>
"Believe me, we tried." Gustave said flatly, causing Julien to straighten up and give him a questioning look. Gustave looked at Emma before continuing. "He was in my office one day looking like he hadn't slept in days. this was during your deployment. He confessed certain things to me but I didn't have any actual details. He seemed to appreciate the small talk."<br/>
"I gave him a small talk too around that time." Emma chimed in. "I bumped into him on his way to our living quarters. He was looking for you, Julien."<br/>
Julien could hardly believe what he was hearing. Not only has Shuhrat been struggling with the same feelings at the same time, he had actively looked for Julien when he was gone. He felt truly awful and elated at the same time. Shuhrat really did care for him. And Julien reciprocated that by disappearing and only returning to him a drunken mess. He had to fix this. Somehow.<br/>
Despite the still remaining issues, Julien found himself feeling much better. A pain in his chest had subsided, and he felt safe, for the first time in a while. He yawned violently, the late hour catching up to him like a bat to the face. He was exhausted. After he had fully reassured the two ops he was going to be OK, they finally left him with a couple more warm hugs, a cup of water, and some medicine for the next morning that was for sure going to hurt. And hopefully soon, he will be able to meet Shuhrat face to face and fix everything. Whatever the outcome may be, no matter if he was in the picture or not, all he wanted was for Shuhrat to be happy. That was his prime focus right now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Das Tee ist sehr lecker! My mom gave me this tea in the same fashion Jager does with Fuze (I was Fuze in this situation). She mixed a cup of lavender tea (lavender chamomile works just as well), and a few spoonfuls of white hot chocolate mix, and bam! You got yourself a freakishly white drink that feels like your sippin clouds.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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